I read a lot of press releases. Actually, that’s not true: I delete a lot of press releases without reading them, usually because they’re not relevant to my (very niche) websites. But this press release… this is what I’m talking about.

Taking sideswipes at everything from game chains to rival franchises, it’s funny enough to be worth a read regardless of whether or not you care about Superstars V8 Racing, the game in question.

Reverb Games News: I like your style. More of this please.

GameGasm Issues Apology Regarding Superstars V8 Racing Availability

Midwestern Retailer Mistakenly Throws Launch Event for Digital PlayStation®Network Release

Ivanhoe, MN—November 2, 2010—Midwestern video game retail giant GameGasm confirmed today that Superstars V8 Racing was never actually stocked in their stores after throngs of customers showed up for their midnight launch last Tuesday morning at 12:01 a.m.

“We had people waiting in line outside in the cold from the minute we closed at 8 p.m., right up until the clock struck midnight and we reopened for the Superstars V8 Racing launch event,” said Hugh Harding, District Manager for the Ivanhoe-area GameGasm chain. “Little did we realize, despite the fact that we had filled our quota for pointless, high-pressure pre-order sales, the fans were in for a huge shock. Apparently this game wasn’t actually shipped to our stores, and instead went live exclusively on PlayStation Network across North America.”

GameGasm Assistant Sales Associate Ryan Bullet added, “Consumers were just as confused as we were. The game is apparently packed with features and is only $19.99. I mean, sure, it’s no Gran Turismo 5, but is that game actually ever going to come out? We’ve had pre-orders for GT5 since before the PlayStation 3 even launched! Superstars V8 Racing is at least good enough to fill the gap until Polyphony Digital’s game hits– however much longer that may be.”

After the midnight launch incident, GameGasm corporate officials issued an official apology to all of the customers that pre-ordered Superstars V8 Racing at its stores, and instead directed them to PlayStation Network. Even still, all customers asking for a refund on their $5.00 pre-order deposit were met with grief, as per corporate policy. Other customers instead opted to move their pre-orders to Call You Names: Banned Ops or Just Pants 4.

Developed by veteran racing studio Milestone s.r.l., makers of premiere European racing franchise titles like the SBK: Superbike World Championship series and WRC: FIA World Rally Championship, Superstars V8 Racing puts you behind the wheel of world-class cars in five single-player modes and supports up to 12-player online racing across 10 official tracks.  The game also offers pick up and play mechanics and adjustable realism settings that drive home the experience for hardcore racing fans and casual enthusiasts alike.

For more information about GameGasm and the availability of Superstars V8 Racing please visit: www.gamegasm.biz

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About GameGasm Stores, Inc

Aside from being completely fake, Midwestern retail giant GameGasm operates nearly 400 video game store locations across the middle of the country in the CST time zone, which may or may not also be a complete and total myth. The company has consistently won the annual “Consumers Approval of Performance” award for the last nine years, and continually remains profitable each fiscal quarter thanks to its “Sixty-Dollar Game Is Worth Forty Cents” trade-in program.  For more information please visit: www.gamegasm.biz.

I’m not half as competent with numbers as I am with letters, but there’s something about a good statistic that lifts my heart nonetheless. There’s one result in particular that’s cheered me up, but first, history lesson.

In April this year my hours at work were reduced, which was a blow for obvious reasons. I set about looking for another job, particularly ones in the field I most want to work in – games journalism, of course – but it’s a massively competitive field and I didn’t have enough experience to get anywhere, despite having written about 100,000 words for Nintendo Life in a few years.

Doing fewer hours at work meant more time to focus on things I wanted to do, so I saw it as an opportunity to establish myself and gain extra experience. I made a start on May 1st, with a target of 5 articles a day and 2 at weekends, and since then I’ve had great fun doing it.

Anyway, you’re not here for my wild anecdotes, you want those statistics I promised. Here, let me get to the point.

Since May 1st, our readership has almost doubled. We’re going through the biggest period of growth I’ve known on the site, from ~500,000 visits to nearly a million visits a month. We’re now probably the biggest independent Nintendo news and reviews website. I’m certainly not claiming I’m solely responsible for this – the Nintendo Life team is a success story in itself – but it’s nice to know I contributed.

Now I write for Movemodo and KINECTaku I feel I’m making progress and am on my way to establishing myself as a decent writer. Next year we launch Sega Fusion, and I’ll be heavily involved in that as well, of course.

It’s very, very exciting. Even more exciting than statistics. Maybe.

The third part of the Nintendo Life world domination plan is available now: KINECTaku launched yesterday and has already received a rapturous reception (mostly from me).

I was busy preparing content before the site went live, so I’ve got around 7,500 words on there already. In total for October I’ve so far written 62,829 words, or thereabouts.

Last month I wrote the equivalent of The Great Gatsby; this month I’ve even surpassed that. Next year, when I’m writing for four websites, I’ll probably be churning out Great Expectations every month or so.

On the whole I’m rather pleased with how my writing’s going. Movemodo perhaps hasn’t had the huge impact I was expecting but it’s very early days yet, and looking to the future it’s a very real possibility I could be writing for three big sites, or even just one massive one.

Sometime next month I’ll hit a milestone: 500,000 words written across Twitter, my blog and all three gaming sites since I opened this place about five years ago. At this rate I’ll likely hit 1,000,000 in about a year’s time, which is simultaneously cheering and frightening. I’m writing at a pretty fast pace these days, and I’m obviously proud that I’m actually writing, just like I always wanted to.

I hope you enjoy reading KINECTaku (or you can call it Kinectaku, I’m easy!) and the rest of my work too.

Writing for a Nintendo-specific website is great fun, but brings with it a huge amount of expectation: Nintendo Life readers are, in my experience, some of the most passionate, knowledgeable and vocal gamers I’ve encountered in my time on the web. They’ve stuck with Nintendo through its ups and downs, are happy to point out its mistakes and celebrate its triumphs and berate them for any kind of mistake. They’re my kind of people… well, apart from the self-acknowledged fanboys.

(More…)

Next week I start work on another gaming website: Movemodo.com, a PlayStation Move-specific site from the guys behind Nintendo Life. That gives me another site to maintain, and means I’ll have less time for The Collected Writings, sadly.

However, my super-smart brother Phil, of PhilNewton.net, has been busy developing a new look for this site that will finally fulfil the title’s promise. Everything I’ve ever written online – be it for Nintendo Life, Twitter or here – will be contained within these hallowed virtual walls.

There will be a few visual tweaks, but you’ll mostly notice a huge increase in content. For this blog over the past few years I’ve written nearly 100,000 words: for Nintendo Life in August alone I’ve written over 10,000, and I’ve been writing there since January 2008. This could provide some very interesting statistics, to me at least.

Soon this will be a digital vault of everything I’ve published online; well, the good stuff anyway. I’m very excited.

PS You might have seen this photograph of me in GamesTM issue 99, page 88